


I feel the Force in this Chili's tonight

by radioactivesaltghoul



Series: hux, you ignorant slut! [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, F/M, Inappropriate Use of the Force, blatant co-opting of quotes from The Office, drabbles with no plot just crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-12 07:49:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radioactivesaltghoul/pseuds/radioactivesaltghoul
Summary: While Rey is busy abusing the Force bond to pull pranks on Kylo, Kylo is busy trying to keep things running in the First Order, and the Resistance is desperately trying to pull themselves together.





	1. A ridiculous question

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a [fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17120462) for the RFFA winter 2019 fic exchange for nervoustouch, and then I couldn't let go of the idea that no matter what side you're on, your coworkers are weird.

A shiver ran down Kylo’s spine, signaling the start of another Force bond session. He fought to keep a smile off his face. These instances had become much more pleasant since he and Rey had started hooking up, and he actually looked forwards to them these days. “Back for more?” he said as he turned around to face her. He opened his mouth to speak, but forgot what he was going to say as soon as he caught sight of what she was wearing.

Black leather trousers, black boots, a black tunic, a black cowl, and a black cape. He’d always known she would look good dressed in all black, but the cape was a little much. _Maybe she’s on Bespin,_ said the part of his brain that was capable of remembering that he was supposed to be hunting down the anarchist group she was a part of. _Lando has quite the collection of capes, if I recall correctly._

“What kind of ewok is best?” she said without acknowledging his dumbstruck expression.

“That’s a ridiculous question,” he said. Why was she asking about ewoks? She wasn’t still on Endor, was she?

“False,” she snapped. “Black ewok.”

“That’s debatable,” Kylo said, easily switching into nerd mode. “There are basically two schools of thought—”

“Fact,” Rey continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “Ewoks eat endives. Ewoks. Endives. _Engimas of the Empire_.”

He had half a second of wondering how she knew his favorite holovid show before remembering that she’d once pulled more than two decades’ worth of lightsaber training out of his mind and used it against him. “Ewoks do not...what is going on? What are you doing?” He thought they’d moved past the pranks, but apparently, Rey had other ideas. 

“I found the cape in Lan— _somewhere_ and thought it might fun to try being you,” she said.

So he’d been right. She was with Lando. “Are you on Bespin?” he asked.

“Did I say that?” she said quickly. “So what do you think? Did I nail you?”

He knew what she meant, but he couldn’t keep the smirk from appearing on his face. “Not yet,” he said, pulling the cowl off of her. “Not today, anyway.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes taken from 3x21, "Product Recall." [Here's the scene on YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaaANll8h18).
> 
> What is an [endive](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endive)? (I had to google it. Maybe you do, too.)  
>  _Enigmas of the Empire_ is not a real show, either in the GFFA or in our universe.


	2. Both

One of the best parts of being on Endor was the nightly ritual of gathering around a campfire to swap stories. Finn had never experienced anything like it. Sure, there had been some sort of camaraderie within the stormtrooper barracks, but it wasn’t anything this warm and personal. Sandwiched between Rose and Rey, wearing Poe’s borrowed jacket, feeling like he belonged to something worthwhile...for all of the trouble he’d had breaking free of the First Order, it was worth this.

“Which is more powerful, fear or love?” Rey asked. For someone who had grown up alone in the desert, she always had good philosophical questions. Rose had remarked once that it was probably a Jedi thing, adding that Rey always had a faraway look in her eyes, like she saw something that the rest of them couldn’t see.

“That’s a good question for someone in a position of power, isn’t it?” Poe said, his eye catching on someone walking out of Finn’s line of sight. “Hey, General!”

“What is it, Poe?” Leia said.

“Would you rather be feared or loved?” Finn thought it was a bold question to ask General Organa, but she seemed to have a soft spot for Poe’s antics.

“Easy,” she said. “Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

No one knew how to respond to that until the General walked away. “I’m starting to see where he gets it from,” Rey muttered under her breath. 

“He who?” Finn asked. 

“Oh, no one,” Rey said quickly. “No one at all.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” -Michael, [2x06, "The Fight"](https://theoffice.fandom.com/wiki/The_Fight)


	3. Depressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is based on a line from The Office (US) that mentions depression, and it's played for laughs (both in the show and in this drabble). But realtalk, depression is serious (and it’s a lot more common than most people realize). [The US National Institute of Mental Health has some information on it here](https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-what-you-need-to-know/index.shtml), if you want to know more. If you think you may be depressed, don't be afraid to reach out. (Signed, someone who has struggled with mental illness for most of their life.)

Hux was starting to worry about Ren. Without Snoke to keep him in check, he was becoming seriously unhinged. Not that he had been particularly stable before, but he taking ‘creepy, power-hungry Force-sensitive’ to new levels. 

_Obviously_ Hux knew that the desert rat Ren was so obsessed with hadn’t acted alone in killing Snoke. The general had no idea what Ren’s plan was or how he got the girl to go along with it, but whatever. You had to respect someone who killed their way to the top, in Hux’s opinion. And anyway, with Snoke gone, that was one less person Hux was going to have to kill on _his_ way to the top.

Still, the lightsaber hissy fits had to go. Hux would be damned before he let Ren continue to waste money destroying valuable First Order equipment. 

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Hux hissed as he walked in on the fifth blatant destruction of company property that week. "Get your shit together, Ren!" The words slipped out before he remembered that the new Supreme Leader was capable of choking him without using his hands. Hux prayed that Ren was too surprised by the fact that he was begin yelled at to take any action against Hux.

Luck was on his side today, because Ren didn't do anything other than sigh dramatically and flop to the floor. "I can't," he said miserably.

_Never mind_ , Hux thought. _Maybe luck_ isn't _on my side_. He knew what to do with a commander who was throwing a hissy fit. He didn't know what to do with a brand new Supreme Leader who was sitting on the floor, clutching his lightsaber (which he still hadn't deactivated; what an idiot) like a lifeline. "The fuck are you doing? Supreme Leader. Sir." It probably didn't hurt to at least pretend to show some respect.

"I don't know," Ren said without looking up. "I can't stop thinking about her. I'm never sure if she's actually there or not."

"Sir?" He had to be speaking of the desert rat, right? Not that enchantingly plucky Resistance fighter who had accompanied the traitor to the Supremacy and bitten his hand. Hux wasn't sure what it was about the Resistance that attracted women who weren't afraid to fight dirty, but he secretly loved it. It was his deepest shame. That, and his secret weakness for the pumpkin spice lattes.

"I'm just so depressed," Ren continued as if Hux hadn't said anything.

Hux frowned. "Depressed?" he said. "Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?"

"Hux, you ignorant slut!" the Supreme Leader snapped. "That's an oversimplification of an extremely complex mental health issue that people all over the galaxy struggle with."

Since when did anyone in the First Order give a shit about mental health issues? Everything could be fixed with a little reconditioning.  "Whatever," he said, unable to shake the unease he felt at seeing the rollercoaster of emotions that Ren was displaying. "But I'm warning you, Ren, if you destroy one more control room..."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dwight: Depression? Isn't that a fancy word for feeling bummed out?  
> Michael: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness.
> 
>  
> 
> [Episode 3x19, “Safety Training”](https://theoffice.fandom.com/wiki/Safety_Training)


	4. 99% sure

Rey was starting to feel bad about all of the shit she was putting Kylo through, especially since the Resistance had finally started to get itself together and gathered more allies. She tried to avoid letting that information slip, but sometimes it was difficult to hide, especially when their minds were open to each other (which ended up happening more often than not during sex, thanks to their ability to sense each others' orgasms). He looked more and more stressed every time she saw him, and even though she (mostly) felt like he deserved it after the way he'd reacted to her rejection on the Supremacy, she cared about him enough that she wanted to do a little something to make him feel better. (Aside from the sex, anyway.) So she did what any well-meaning, Force-bonded fuck buddy would do in that situation:

She hired a Darth Vader impersonator and sent him to the First Order flagship, where Kylo was currently living.

"Are you sure it's safe?" the impersonator asked as Rey was helping him get set up. "I've been doing Darth Vader cosplay for years, but I've never gotten involved with the First Order." 

"Relax," Rey said, giving him one last look over to inspect his costume. (She'd done her research, both by looking up old holos and by delving through Kylo's mind.) "Kylo is going to be so happy to see you."

"How is a Resistance fighter on a first-name basis with the Supreme Leader of the First Order?" the impersonator asked nervously as Rey reached into her pocket to pull her wallet out.

"Don't worry about it," she said, flashing him what she hoped was a reassuring smile as she handed him the credits. "It'll be fine."

And it was fine. It actually went even better than Rey was expecting it to go, because the next time the Force bond opened a few days later, Kylo was in a much better mood than he'd been in a while. "Rey," he said, giving her an awestruck look. "You'll never guess who's here."

Rey could barely restrain her grin. "Who?"

"Darth Vader," he breathed. "I've been trying to reach him for years, meditating with his half-melted helmet. He says he's a Force ghost."

"That's wonderful, Ben," she said, fighting back her laughter. She'd learned from her research with the stolen Jedi texts that Force ghosts were rare, and they could only be created through the light side of the Force (never mind the fact that Darth Vader had become Anakin Skywalker in the end). 

"I always thought that the Sith were incapable of becoming Force ghosts," he said. "So I'm 99% sure it's not actually Darth Vader."

"Only 99%?" _This is perfect,_ she thought. He was adorable when he got excited like this.

"I don't know everything about the Force," he admitted. "Like this—us. This bond. I never knew such a thing could exist before...well, you know."

She certainly _did_ know. "Before you kidnapped me and your attempt to interrogate me backfired?"

He winced. "Yeah, that."

"Oh, I don't know," she said, removing her shirt. "I think it's worked out well for us in the end. We're both getting laid on the regular and no one else has to know about it."

He gave her a wolfish smile, all thoughts and doubts about the Darth Vader impersonator suddenly vanished. "Well when you put it like that..."

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I'm 99% sure." --Dwight, [3x14 “Ben Franklin”](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0954759/)
> 
> If there’s a particular quote or scene you’d like me to do, feel free to leave it as a prompt. I’ve got a few more of these planned, but I’m going to leave this fic as an open-ended project.


	5. Pretzel Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying to avoid ep ix spoilers, rumors, and speculation like the plague, so I don’t know if it’s been confirmed that Phasma is dead or not. (Please don’t tell me; there’s a reason I’m avoiding them.) So if it’s been confirmed that Gwendoline Christie isn’t coming back for ix, let’s pretend that Phasma made it out of the wreck of the Supremacy.

Being the captain of the First Order's stormtroopers was no easy task. It was a round-the-clock thing, with no vacations or breaks. Luckily, Phasma had been dealing with non-stop fighting for survival for her entire life, so she'd had plenty of practice. Still, she had to look for the little things that made life more bearable.

Like Pretzel Day. Once a standard year, the cafeteria served a delicacy called pretzels. Phasma wasn't sure which world they came from, but whoever had invented them was a starsdamned genius. Not that she'd ever admit to liking something, especially a food that was rarely served, but Pretzel Day made the whole thing worth it. They were soft and salty and good at any temperature, but they were best when they were still hot from the oven. She wasn't sure what witchcraft or technology the cafeteria used (she'd tried, oh she'd tried, but it was a secret so closely guarded that even the Supreme Leader didn't have access to it), but whatever it was, she thanked the stars and her old gods that it had been brought to the First Order.

But, of course, it wouldn't do for the third-most highly ranked official in the First Order to actually act like she was desperate for something, even if she was. So every time Pretzel Day came around, it was a test of sheer willpower and patience to not completely lose her composure in her scramble to get a pretzel before they all ran out. The only person she'd confessed this to was General Hux, because he alone knew the secret of where she'd come from, which meant that he could be trusted.

"It's not an easy job, commanding the stormtroopers," she said to him the night before Pretzel Day was due to arrive. "Surely you're aware of that."

"No one else is capable of doing it," he said. Phasma preened under his praise. Only the general could give her a compliment that she actually believed. Everyone else was always trying to suck up because they knew that she was a force to be reckoned with.

"I have to constantly be on the lookout for rebels and deserters, so that I can send them to reconditioning before they get a chance to act on their wayward urges. I can't take a break. The only shining grace is my armor. Literally."

Hux eyed her, giving her a proud look. "No one can compare," he said.

"It's an incredibly difficult job."

"You've said."

"But Pretzel Day," she said with a sigh. "Pretzel Day makes it all worth it." 

She barely slept that night—well, okay she barely slept most nights—and when the morning arrived, it took all of her considerable self-control to keep from running to the cafeteria. But then she received an alert that there was an incident with the stormtroopers DS-492 and JH-1962 that she had to sort out immediately, before their defiance spread to more of the stormtroopers. By the time she'd sorted that out, she'd already received three more alerts of matters of the utmost important.

Phasma was torn. On the one hand, she had to do her job. On the other hand...Pretzel Day.

In the end, she decided that doing her job was more important than Pretzel Day. And the sooner she got these incidents sorted, the sooner she could resume her quest for the sought-after pretzel.

By the time she got the incidents sorted, however, it was already 1545 standard time. She all but sprinted to the cafeteria, her self-control having shredded in her desperation. She shoved stormtroopers and various First Order officers out of the way as she made her way to the pretzel stand. Hell, she'd even take on one of the Knights of Ren at that point. Those space wizards were no match for a captain in desperate search of a pretzel.

Just as she'd finally shoved her way to the front of the line, however, the pretzel chef announced, "That's it, we're done for the day. There are no more pretzels. See you all next year."

"NOOOO!" Phasma was too upset by this development to care about losing her composure. It was _Pretzel Day_. Pretzel Day was the one thing that made the whole thing worth it. (Well, Pretzel Day and the feeling of power that came from commanding so many people.)

And now it was going to be 364 more standard days until it came around again. _Kriff!_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, driving my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work for a job for which I’m paid too little, but on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” - Stanley, [3x05 “Initiation”](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0873237/?ref_=ttep_ep5)


	6. It's never too early

Sometimes Rey did things that made Rose thankful that she didn’t grow up alone in the desert. She’d never admit this to Rey, of course. It seemed rude to point out that someone’s upbringing was shittier than yours. War had a way of making everyone’s childhood traumatic.

Like the time she and Poe had to explain the concept of shampoo to Rey. “I never had any reason to wash my hair,” she’d said.

“You have soap on Jakku, right?” Poe had asked dubiously.

“Of course,” Rey said. “How else we were supposed to clean the pieces of junk we scavenged before exchanging them for portions?”

Or the time she ate dried nerf jerky for the first time. “What is this?” she’d asked after swallowing her first bite. “It’s magical. I’ve never had anything so flavorful before.”

 _She thinks that_ nerf jerky _is flavorful?_ Rose had wondered. _What the hell has she been eating her whole life?_

But walking into the makeshift mess hall for breakfast that day was the weirdest one yet. “Isn’t it a little early for ice cream?” she said as she approached the table where Rey was bent over a bowl of creamy white stuff with black lumps in it.

“It’s never too early for ice cream,” Rey said. She’d been addicted to the stuff ever since Kaydel had offered her half of an ice cream sandwich last week.

“Where did you even _get_ ice cream? Didn’t you eat the last pint yesterday?”

“Oh. We don’t have any ice cream,” Rey said, taking another bite of the white stuff. “This is mayonnaise and black olives.”

Rose opened her mouth to respond, but nothing came out. “Do you want some?” Rey asked, misunderstanding Rose’s expression. “It’s not as good as the real stuff, but it’s pretty good.”

Watching her shovel the combination into her mouth was making Rose nauseous. “No thanks,” she said, backing away slowly. “I’m good.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t ice cream, Jim. It’s mayonnaise and black olives. It’s comfort food. --Michael, [6x24 “The Cover-Up”](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1589338/?ref_=ttep_ep24)
> 
> For the record, I’m with Rose on this one. Mayonnaise is disgusting.


	7. Master key

_This is it,_ MS-398 thought excitedly as she fought to keep herself from looking too giddy. _My first day as an officer._ MS-398 had recently been promoted within the First Order Stormtrooper ranks, and she couldn’t have been more proud of herself. “See?” she’d boasted to her bunkmates KM-3318, PL-8827, and CB-781 last week, when she’d received the promotion. “This is where hard work gets you in the First Order. Not like that coward FN-2187.” She said his name in a hush, like she was afraid that Captain Phasma would jump out of the shadows and drag her in for reconditioning for merely mentioning the traitor’s name. 

“Congratulations,” KM-3318 had said, sounding a little strained. MS-398 figured that KM-3318 was just jealous of her promotion. However, it was kill or be killed in the First Order (sometimes literally), and if KM-3318 wasn’t cut out for it...well, that wasn’t MS-398’s problem, was it?

For her new officer orientation training, MS-398 had been flown to the new First Order flagship that had replaced the _Supremacy_. “I wonder if we’ll see the Supreme Leader,” she murmured to MP-8264, who had been placed in the room next to MS-398’s. She recognized the same sort of smothered excitement that she had in MP-8264, and they’d already become fast friends.

Well, as close to “friends” as one could get in the First Order, anyway. 

“You’d better hope not,” MP-8264 whispered. “He’s terrifying. I heard he ate a live duck once.”

“Everything but the beak and the feet,” MS-398 said. She’d heard that rumor, too.

All conversation ceased as a uniformed officer entered the small theater where the newly promoted officers were gathered. _I can’t believe this is finally happening!_ MS-398 sneaked a glance at MP-8264. Even though they were wearing their helmets (as all stormtroopers were required to do at all times), she could tell that he was smiling underneath his.

The uniformed officer introduced herself as Commander Sargas and launched into a “Welcome to First Order Stormtrooper Officer Training” speech that sounded so rehearsed that MS-398 had to double-check that they weren’t looking at a really well-rendered holo. But no, Commander Sargas just gave this speech so many times that she was bored stiff of it. MS-398 felt a little deflated at the thought that she wasn’t all that special for being an officer, but she comforted herself with the thought that with so many officers, the size of the First Order’s armies must be _huge._

Next, there was a video recording of General Hux congratulating them on their rise in the stormtrooper ranks. MS-398 had seen plenty of videos of the general over the years—his speech on Starkiller Base had been _so_ inspirational, despite the base having literally gone down in flames not long after that—but this was the first time she was watching one as an officer. It was all _amazing_.

There was one thing that caught her attention, however. “Excuse me?” she said as soon as it was time for a Q&A session with Commander Sargas 

“Yes, Officer…?”

“MS-398, sir,” she said. “You said that there are two keys to the ship, the master key and the spare key. If General Hux has both, how will we get onto the ship if we get locked out?”

There was a flash of a facial expression that MS-398 didn’t recognize before Commander Sargas’s features rearranged themselves into something neutral. “Ah, yes. A very good question, Officer MS-398,” she said. “I have asked General Hux this question myself. Do you know what he said to me?”

There was a hush in the room as all of the new stormtrooper officers waited on the edges of their seats. 

“He said, ‘If I’m dead, you guys have all been dead for weeks.’” She paused, possibly for dramatic effect. (That sort of thing wasn’t allowed with stormtroopers, but MS-398 thought that maybe the rules were different for commanders.) “Does that answer your question, Officer MS-398?” 

She gulped. _I think the general and the Supreme Leader belong together,_ she caught herself thinking. As proud as she was in her role in helping the FIrst Order reshape the galaxy, she _never_ wanted to have to sit in a room with General Hux and Supreme Leader Ren.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has both. When I asked ‘What if you die, Dwight? How will the rest of us get into the office?’ he said ‘If I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.’” - Pam, [4x11 “Night Out”](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1031450/?ref_=ttep_ep11)
> 
> MS-398 is a kylux shipper until she gets her hands on [Like Sands Through the Hourglass](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17604980/chapters/41501351) and realizes that Hux can never come between the Supreme Leader and the scavenger.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm (sometimes) on [tumblr](https://radioactivesaltghoul.tumblr.com/).


End file.
